I Had A Great Idea:

It was going to be called RandoMazon, and it was going to display at random an item from the online mega-store Amazon.  I googled my new word and it looks like a twitter feed has already been set-up and there is a website that is pretty much doing the exact same thing with the exact same name.  But, before I had the wind taken out of my sails I started to imagine the myriad of strange and wonderful treasures that could pop up.  Things like Uranium and Doe Urine.  I'd link to them, but it feels gross and illegal.

Then for some weird reason I thought, can you buy a coffin on Amazon?  I know they are expensive, maybe you can find them on sale and help yourself out?  Perhaps keep it in the attic till you really need it. (a unique place to hide Christmas presents)

So, I went to Amazon, the hunt was on!  I typed in coffin, the search bar recognized it and finished my word for me. Things were looking up!  The first entries were fake coffins, you know, for kids and stuff.  Then there was a do-it-yourself coffin making book, which people seem to really hate.  Lot's of jewelry boxes.  Some really lame looking sunglasses and a graphic novel (which I might like to read).

But, there it was, nestled between the jewelry boxes and the lame sunglasses, an honest to goodness coffin.  The kind that mom used to make.  Made of the finest 20 gauge steel you can find.  In awe I looked around on the page.  What were people buying that bought this coffin?  What were customers looking for while they tried to find a bargain coffin?

They were buying Mighty Mendit and Windshield Wonder of course.  You shouldn't be shocked to find out that anyone who would take finding their own coffin online seriously would also be kind of a hands-on person.  They also purchased wireless keyboards.  I want to make a joke, but nothing is coming out.  Why keyboards?  Why?  My personal favorite though, Rotating Hot Iron Hair Straighteners, because you're thinking about laying in a coffin and everyone will be judging your hair, right?

By the way, that coffin is $900.  Which is low compared to the other coffins people were looking for. And, that's exactly what people were looking for even if they did end up buying something completely non-sequitir.  The next cheapest coffin they shopped for is $1300....I can't afford to die.

Unless....I decide to go green.  This beauty is only five hundred and eighty-nine American dollars.  But, just like with Ikea, you have to assemble this at home.  Yup, it's a kit.  Why not just buy the book on how to make coffins and skip this middle-man, er, middle-mortician.

All this to say, as I was looking around I saw that people had written reviews and I was not expecting them to be funny.  While they aren't knee-slapping funny, there are some real chuckle worthy moments.  I'll post a couple after the jump, but you have to go read the rest.

 Did not contain vampire., January 17, 2011

As a professional vampire slayer, it's my duty to hunt down and destroy all vampires. So imagine my excitement when I found this beauty right here on Amazon.com! Years of experience has taught me that every casket must have a vampire dwelling inside. I patiently waited its arrival, plotting the imminent battle with a nearly inifite ammount of weapons, tactics, and pure unbridled testosterone at my disposal. Priced at only $899 and made of indistructable 20 gauge steel, this casket was looking to be an exciting force to be reckoned with. The day came, there I was decked out in my strongest LARPing armor, mouth foaming with an inconceivable lust for vampire blood. I ceremoniously attached the casket, upright, to the wall at my local elementary school basketball court and attached chains from the casket door to the rear-bumper of my 1987 Ford pickup truck. My heavy-set girlfriend revved the engine as I stood stone-faced, expectantly awaiting yet another epic battle that I've come to love over the years. Delilah hammered on the gas, the door ripped from its hinges, and when the dust cleared, there was no vampire. I dropped to my knees with a heroic "NNNOOOOOOOO!!!" erupting from my lips. Another disappointing finish to an otherwise epic potential-battle. This one must have been slain prior to delivery. Curses!

It still rates three stars, however. Despite the months of depression following this purchase, it does make for a comfortable bench during kin gatherings as well as an interesting decoration for the trailor. This was just one disappointment amongst many, but still I refuse to rest until each and every vampire in this world has been destroyed.

I love this next one because it is completely and totally without any sense of irony.  But, if that's the case (pun intended) did he lay his uncle in the ground without a coffin?

Get serious, December 15, 2010

You who wrote jokes about caskets need to be more serious. My uncle was just laid in the ground today, and I was looking up prices so I could help fund his costs. Death is serious because once it happens there is no turning back, and once you die judgement is next. So please have some respect about caskets because the last I checked the death rate is around 100% and I'm sure you don't want anyone to make fun of you or a loved one.

Best Casket Ever, October 30, 2009

When I opened my eyes it was pitch black. It only took just a few seconds of feeling around to realize that I was in a top notch casket. Most people in that predicament would probably start to panic pretty quickly, but this thing was so comfy I wasn't sure I wanted out. This was no wooden box... this baby was 20 gauge steel and about as comfortable as a La-Z-Boy and a Posturepedic rolled into one!! I just laid there with my head on the pillow admiring the amazing cushioning and how it supported my back so well. After a couple hours of some of the best rest I've ever had, I reached in my pocket and realized I had my cell phone with me. Fortunately, I still had a flicker of battery life left on it and was able to send a text message to my buddy to let him know there must have been a mistake. I told him there was no hurry, since I wanted to enjoy a little more time in this underground beauty of a box. I used the last of my cell phone battery using it as a light to inspect the rest of the caskets internal features. The print of two hands folded in prayer just made you feel that much more comforted. I can't say enough about this casket!!!

So, while my dreams of creating RandoMazon may have died, at least I've found an affordable and attractive place to lay them to rest.