Just watch this:

Weiner Poopie.

Kids are cute:

I got to see my friend Andrew's little baby boy, Christian. He's awesome. He snorts and my fiance accidentally gave him a concussion. In light of that here is a cute kid.



You don't even have to take the jump.

And here is the rest of it.

Chris West: Professional Prayer

Over the weekend I attended the wedding of my girlfriends sister. It was lovely. She looked beautiful and you could just feel the joy radiating off of the two of them. Of course she wasn't the most beautiful woman in the room, that honor went to my girlfriend. She was radiant. All of that to say this, I was originally asked to perform the ceremony. You could imagine how honored I was.

Come to find out that the place she was having the wedding didn't let "Licensed Ministers" perform weddings. You had to be a "Ordained Minister". Though, I wasn't going to be left out entirely. The bride asked me to give the blessing at the reception party. Here's how that went down.

Hint: I said something awkward.

For about a week I pondered how to properly give a blessing for a meal that also encompassed blessing the covenant my two friends had entered into. I read up on the scripture talking about marriage and all that it entails, even the racy stuff in Song of Solomon. Tee Hee.

As the day got closer I really felt like I had nailed down how to balance asking God to use the meal to focus our thoughts and lives back to Him as well as reinforcing the great joy and weight of their wedding covenant. So after a four hours road trip to Asheville, it was go time.

The wedding was very nice. I've been to several weddings and most of them have been between people who are of the Reformed bent. So it was interesting to sit in on a wedding where neither person was really into theology and doctrine. Not to say they aren't Christians, I firmly believe they are. But, I've just gotten very used to weddings between seminary students and soon to be seminary students. Either way, there were differences that I can't adequately point out, though I know I noticed them. Maybe some other time.

After the two were married we tarried (Ha! A rhyme!) over to the reception and I was one of the first things up. I stepped up to the mic and everyone quieted. I asked everyone to bow in prayer with me and said something like this, "Heavenly Father, thank you so much for this day. For this chance to join together and witness your covenant of marriage performed before us. Thank you for Jevone and Kadee reminding us of the sacrificial love you showed all of us on the cross and the love that we should have for you." It was at this point I began to bless the food.

"Lord, we ask that you bless this food that we are about to eat and this drink that we are about to enjoy." I could have stopped there, but I got cocky and felt like I needed to really tie together the two themes of the prayer. "Much like Kadee and Jevone's new marriage. I pray that you make the food nourishing to our bodies in the same way that they will lift each other up and help to strengthen one another, drawing ever closer to you. And, precious savior, I pray that we enjoy all that we drink and remember that it is a gift from you." This is where I should have said, "Amen." but I didn't.

"Holy God, I pray that we enjoy the drink just like Kadee and Jevone will enjoy. . .(awkward pause as I realize what I've just started to say but see no way out of it). . .each other. (Another pause) "Amen." There was chuckling after the amen, but also several people applauded my frankness. Either way, I'm available for weddings, birthday parties, moose lodge meetings and any other event that may require a "professional" blessing.

When 2 + 2 = Chronic Gas.

Well, I promised a check-in for my ones of readers to let you know how my colon cleaning experiment went. A quick refresher on what the plan was. I proposed the drinking of several gallons of a juice known for it's stool loosening qualities. As I find the taste of prune juice quite revolting I opted for what I believe to be my favorite juice, Cranberry. With a quit trip to the store I was ready to embark on a whirlwind of scientific discovery.

Or was I?

I knew that I couldn't stomach a full jug of prune juice, but I remembered that I kind of dug the non-juiced variety. So I bought myself a hardy helping of "Dried Plums" (Figure 1-A). For those of you not, "In the know", Dried Plums are prunes that have some defect that keeps them from being sold under the name Prune. Such as, they taste horrible and secrete an oil that is inescapable no matter how much you brush. I seriously had no idea that they would be slick and sticky. I'll be ordering my next batch of dried plums. . .drier. So, with a cart full of sadism and a song in my heart I headed home.

The next day I decided to give everything a good shaking before I began the cleansing ritual. I proceeded to run two miles followed my chugging about half the Cranberry juice. To my surprise, the bitter sweet juice made an excellent post heart attack cocktail. Once I regained control of my left side I sat down to a cylinder full of Exhibit 1-A. I put away about 10 of the little fellas and washed it down with an ice cold glass of Cranberry juice. The groundwork was laid, now I just had to finish my "Dried" plums and Cranberry juice.

The waiting game began. Could I get the juice and and the prunes down before the initial wave crashed on my bowel's rocky shore? The answer was a, "yes", to the juice. I so enjoyed it I've gone on to purchase other blends of their delicious juices. The "Dried" plums were a different story. I still have about six left to eat. But, I still ate roughly 2 cups of "Dried" plums. Maybe this taints the science, maybe you should stop judging me.

With all that raw plumbing power inside me I expected bad things to happen quick. I waited the rest of the day and never saw a drop. On into the next day and I still hadn't, "given up the goods". Needless to say, I was worried. What if I had clogged up my pipes and all that juice was stuck sloshing around inside me? Though, on the third day, there was a miracle.

I began to plague those around me with the most awful gas. Thankfully, during the day it was quiet and somewhat sparse. But, whoa to me for angering the mighty colon. That night it blasted it's righteous vengeance down on me non-stop for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn't sleep or get comfortable because of the constant gas moving in my gut and out my butt.

I do want to say though, that at this point I got my first specimen and I really feel let down. It was just poo, not the horror that came out of those other people. Either way, I was up all night paying for my crimes. It was like the gas was angry. I kid you not, there were moments that I didn't think it would stop. I was afraid I had broken some valve and would forever be plagued with loud, hot, and awful gas.

All in all, this was a failure. I could have gotten closer to the desired effects with a plate of Hot Wings. Aside from the gas, this was pretty much a bust. Although, don't just take my word for it. Try it for yourself. You'll be out six bucks, but to know the thunder that I knew that night will make it all worth it.

(1-A) (1-B)

P.S. I know I wrote about poo and gas in my first blogs. Don't give up! I promise I have deep thoughts as well. If you like the poo and gas talk, don't worry. I'll assuredly find my way back to it.

Absolute Horror:

Click Me To Start Learning About Colon Health And To Start Wishing You Were Blind! ! !

That is a link to a testimonial page for a colon cleansing product. It was an advertising link in in my Gmail. There are two things that I want to address about this and then I want to talk about something personal. Firstly, the sheer joy in their writing makes me laugh between gagging and wretching.

I never knew that anyone could get that excited about some black death erupting from their unmentionables like a poo flavored Aliens style "Chest Burster". Which brings me to my next point. Why the pictures? Couldn't the proud mommas and papas have just described their fecal fantasies? Do I need to see that?

My answer: a systematic and informed, YES! It's as if someone had been feeding them sewage to start with. I had to see if there were more sites touting Doodoo Kongs out there. There are, and I'm going to make you find them. I shouldn't be the only one who suffers because Google will sell ads to anyone and everyone.

A quick sidenote: Are the ads in Gmail qued by something in my mail? Did Google think that one of my youth ministry emails made me a solid client for a poo-ectomy? Perhaps it was 40 files I mailed myself from my old computer? Perhaps they were clogging up the "colon" of my server and Google was just sending me a freindly notice. Either way, I don't have emails dealing with poo or pooing in my inbox. That's what this part was all about.

Onto my second thought. This got me pondering my own plague filled lower GI. Which, by the way, stands for Governement Issued and Gastro Intestine, which makes sense. Seeing as mine is in a constant state of war. That's just like the Freaking man. Trying to hold my pooper down.

I digress.

My point is, I think I'm going to attempt some sort of non-commital form of a colon cleanse. My first thought was to drink 3 or 4 gallons of cranberry and prune juice. So I'm probably going to start that up this week. Fun fact, they say that this is a solid weight loss plan. Admittedly, the point is to lose solids, but I think that it's a bit ridiculous touting this as a weight loss method. Oh well, one man's exercise is another man's Ebola.

I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that this is for science and not vanity. I'll try to give a heads up on the progress as "Nature's Hate" rips through my sensitive parts. If I don't make it through this, my friends can have all my crap.