Absolute Horror:

Click Me To Start Learning About Colon Health And To Start Wishing You Were Blind! ! !

That is a link to a testimonial page for a colon cleansing product. It was an advertising link in in my Gmail. There are two things that I want to address about this and then I want to talk about something personal. Firstly, the sheer joy in their writing makes me laugh between gagging and wretching.

I never knew that anyone could get that excited about some black death erupting from their unmentionables like a poo flavored Aliens style "Chest Burster". Which brings me to my next point. Why the pictures? Couldn't the proud mommas and papas have just described their fecal fantasies? Do I need to see that?

My answer: a systematic and informed, YES! It's as if someone had been feeding them sewage to start with. I had to see if there were more sites touting Doodoo Kongs out there. There are, and I'm going to make you find them. I shouldn't be the only one who suffers because Google will sell ads to anyone and everyone.

A quick sidenote: Are the ads in Gmail qued by something in my mail? Did Google think that one of my youth ministry emails made me a solid client for a poo-ectomy? Perhaps it was 40 files I mailed myself from my old computer? Perhaps they were clogging up the "colon" of my server and Google was just sending me a freindly notice. Either way, I don't have emails dealing with poo or pooing in my inbox. That's what this part was all about.

Onto my second thought. This got me pondering my own plague filled lower GI. Which, by the way, stands for Governement Issued and Gastro Intestine, which makes sense. Seeing as mine is in a constant state of war. That's just like the Freaking man. Trying to hold my pooper down.

I digress.

My point is, I think I'm going to attempt some sort of non-commital form of a colon cleanse. My first thought was to drink 3 or 4 gallons of cranberry and prune juice. So I'm probably going to start that up this week. Fun fact, they say that this is a solid weight loss plan. Admittedly, the point is to lose solids, but I think that it's a bit ridiculous touting this as a weight loss method. Oh well, one man's exercise is another man's Ebola.

I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that this is for science and not vanity. I'll try to give a heads up on the progress as "Nature's Hate" rips through my sensitive parts. If I don't make it through this, my friends can have all my crap.