Well, I promised a check-in for my ones of readers to let you know how my colon cleaning experiment went. A quick refresher on what the plan was. I proposed the drinking of several gallons of a juice known for it's stool loosening qualities. As I find the taste of prune juice quite revolting I opted for what I believe to be my favorite juice, Cranberry. With a quit trip to the store I was ready to embark on a whirlwind of scientific discovery.
Or was I?
I knew that I couldn't stomach a full jug of prune juice, but I remembered that I kind of dug the non-juiced variety. So I bought myself a hardy helping of "Dried Plums" (Figure 1-A). For those of you not, "In the know", Dried Plums are prunes that have some defect that keeps them from being sold under the name Prune. Such as, they taste horrible and secrete an oil that is inescapable no matter how much you brush. I seriously had no idea that they would be slick and sticky. I'll be ordering my next batch of dried plums. . .drier. So, with a cart full of sadism and a song in my heart I headed home.
The next day I decided to give everything a good shaking before I began the cleansing ritual. I proceeded to run two miles followed my chugging about half the Cranberry juice. To my surprise, the bitter sweet juice made an excellent post heart attack cocktail. Once I regained control of my left side I sat down to a cylinder full of Exhibit 1-A. I put away about 10 of the little fellas and washed it down with an ice cold glass of Cranberry juice. The groundwork was laid, now I just had to finish my "Dried" plums and Cranberry juice.
The waiting game began. Could I get the juice and and the prunes down before the initial wave crashed on my bowel's rocky shore? The answer was a, "yes", to the juice. I so enjoyed it I've gone on to purchase other blends of their delicious juices. The "Dried" plums were a different story. I still have about six left to eat. But, I still ate roughly 2 cups of "Dried" plums. Maybe this taints the science, maybe you should stop judging me.
With all that raw plumbing power inside me I expected bad things to happen quick. I waited the rest of the day and never saw a drop. On into the next day and I still hadn't, "given up the goods". Needless to say, I was worried. What if I had clogged up my pipes and all that juice was stuck sloshing around inside me? Though, on the third day, there was a miracle.
I began to plague those around me with the most awful gas. Thankfully, during the day it was quiet and somewhat sparse. But, whoa to me for angering the mighty colon. That night it blasted it's righteous vengeance down on me non-stop for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn't sleep or get comfortable because of the constant gas moving in my gut and out my butt.
I do want to say though, that at this point I got my first specimen and I really feel let down. It was just poo, not the horror that came out of those other people. Either way, I was up all night paying for my crimes. It was like the gas was angry. I kid you not, there were moments that I didn't think it would stop. I was afraid I had broken some valve and would forever be plagued with loud, hot, and awful gas.
All in all, this was a failure. I could have gotten closer to the desired effects with a plate of Hot Wings. Aside from the gas, this was pretty much a bust. Although, don't just take my word for it. Try it for yourself. You'll be out six bucks, but to know the thunder that I knew that night will make it all worth it.
(1-A)
(1-B)
P.S. I know I wrote about poo and gas in my first blogs. Don't give up! I promise I have deep thoughts as well. If you like the poo and gas talk, don't worry. I'll assuredly find my way back to it.
